Questions
February 23, 2024
I haven’t written in awhile. I don’t know why because I love writing. Words usually come to me like notes come to musicians and bees go to honey. But recently, I’ve felt stuck. Stuck in school, home, my mind, social life. Everything in my life seems to have frozen while the rest of the world is moving at 2x speed. I cannot catch up. I want to catch up. I feel nothing and just do not care anymore but then my brain screams at me for doing the wrong thing. How do I satisfy both? How do I draw the line between maintaining my sanity and completing everything I know needs to be done?
Now it’s two days after I started writing this. I’m sitting in class and I have a substitute teacher. My best friend isn’t here and I’ve finished all of my work. I’ve started to wake up early, before school, to get work done. I’m more productive in the morning. But now I’m bored. I’ve wandered the halls two times already during this class. The only reason I’m at school right now is because I have a graded discussion in my AP Lang class. With this boredom I’m starting to crave the gym. Why do I crave the gym?
I love the gym. It’s almost become an obsession. I crave the feeling I get from working out. I have control. I can release negativity. I am present and grounded. I don’t feel these things with anything else. But these are the things I crave the most. Why do I crave these things?
I have so many questions. I question everything about myself and others. I question why I think in certain ways. I question what my life would be like without my best friend. I question what my life would be like if I went to a different school or if I lived somewhere else. I question what others think about me. I question why I have judgements about other people. I question where my personality came from and if it was nature or nurture that made me who I am today. Do I even know who I am today?